Monday, 19 November 2007

I know; I control: I am god?

I've spent time today trying to sort out my car. As I was leaving the grounds of Wrexham hospital* at 01:30(ish) on Sunday, slowing for a give way at the road exit, a car swung into the road at speed, wide into my lane, and straight into me. I was fine and the car appears fine (the other car sped off to deliver its passenger to A&E, from whence the driver emerged a while later to acknowledge the fault). But my car needs checked so that I'm not driving with a weakened car susceptable to more serious damage should anything else occur (wise parental advice).

Which led to the experience of dealing with insurance company, provider, and garage. I know very little about this process: what must be done and what is merely recommended by all-too-interested parties. And I found that lack of knowledge infuriating. I like to know.

I have in the past recognised that I like knowledge. I like to use knowledge in the service of others: knowledge may be power, but power may be good when governed by love. The danger comes when knowledge is pursued for its own sake, not in service of God and my neighbour. Then knowledge puffs up (and its power corrupts). But now I find another danger. I like to know because I like to feel in control. Everything might cave in, but I know what to do - even if it's knowing that I can't do anything. So with lack of knowledge in this situation, I became frustrated. I was short with my parents who tried to offer advice to help. I was angry at my lack of control of the situation; at my lack of knowledge. What was going on was far deeper than a question of whether I had to get the car looked at, whether I had to use the insurance company's recommended garage, or whether the third party will admit fault so my excess gets paid. What was going on underneath was a challenge and battle for control. Why would I be angry and frustrated? I was angry because I don't know everything so am not in control. But who does know everything and is in control? Not the insurance company, nor the garage, but God. Wham. Another heart-idol exposed. I don't have omniscience, nor omnipotence. I'm not in control. I'm not God. Which just points me to give thanks that the one who does have all knowledge and control is my loving Father in heaven.

* NB to all fellow CUSWs: please try to persuade your CUs to ban the Wide Game. We don't need more broken bones and back injuries: it's a bit bizarre if the CUs keep Wrexham A&E in business in houseparty season.

1 comment:

mama said...

While everything you say is true,you're being a bit hard on yourself. You were pretty shaken up by the accident, following as it did on an already distressing incident (getting the injured CU member to Casualty), and the effects of that last longer than you think :)